Adoption Journey Ends; Parenting Journey Begins

Well, it ended up being a rather short journey. To adoption, that is. The "real" journey begins now, and so far it's starting with me stopping every five minutes to make sure he's still alive. I'm worried about him. Maybe that will get better. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

I meant to post more on this blog. I never intended this to be my only post, and maybe we can retool this blog into something else so that it doesn't have to be. But for those who don't know, or may not have already seen on Facebook, Katy and I became parents on Friday night when we said "yes" to adopting a little 2-day old boy.

His name is Gregory Andrew. Gregory, after my father, and Andrew, after Katy's brother.

Naming him after my father was easy. But naming him Andrew was a bit unexpected. We had many ideas for middle names, mostly based on the most influential men in our lives, but things kind of came together in such a way that Colin's name became the most prominent.

As you know, we are not a religious family. The last blog post that Katy wrote touched on that. But not identifying with a religion does not preclude us from feeling a connection with "something higher." All stories like this invariably refer to something guiding them along, and this one is no exception.

You see, on Thursday night, when we got the call, we had turned down another option due to some medical concerns we weren't comfortable with only hours before. So as we reeled with that decision, our phone rang with another option: a baby born the morning before, and they needed our answer by the next morning because, healthy as he was, he was pretty much ready to go home ASAP.

"Can't we just have some time to process what we just turned down?" "Would we really have to take him home on Monday?" "What about work?" "We thought we'd have more time to prepare." "This would be a closed adoption, and we were really hoping for something semi-open, for the child's sake."

We grappled with every what-if you can think of, and if I'm being totally honest it was the first time that the possibility of ending up with a child became very, imminently real. So there were the what-ifs, yes, but there was also the question "are we really sure we want to do this?"

And most importantly, saying yes at that moment meant saying yes to the challenge of raising a child outside of our own race. Reading a book and checking off the box that says "I'm comfortable with a trans-racial adoption" is one thing, but holding a life in your arms, knowing that he will look to you for guidance establishing a racial identity that is not your own, is terrifying.

So, paralyzed and numb, after sitting in silence for almost an hour, one of us finally said, "I wish someone would just tell us what to do."

Seconds later, Katy's phone rang.

It was her brother, calling about something else entirely. He had no idea any of this was happening. But as Katy explained to him what was going on, I began to see the situation clearly. Finally I heard his voice on the other end: "If those are your only concerns," he said after Katy listed them off, "you should do it."

We would have gotten there ourselves, I'm sure, but he gave us the kick we needed. Gregory Colin didn't sound right, so Gregory Andrew it became.

Call it a coincidence or call it a miracle, I call it the Universe unfolding exactly as it needed to. I've never felt as in-tune with the cosmos I have this weekend.

There's more than that, of course. Our friends Jeff and Sara had just returned to Michigan after living in Georgia since 2007. Our friend Dave was back in town with Megan for a few weeks, and our friends Crystal and Brad haven't yet moved to Grand Rapids. And my mother, desperately in need of uplifting good news for reasons of her own. I'll forever remember her shouting "I'm a grandmother!" in Kroger when I called to tell her.

"Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." -Desiderata

But for me--if I can get personal for a minute--this was all part of an even bigger plan for my life. I can't tell you why, but I grew up knowing, on some level, that adoption was in my future. What's more, I somehow knew it would be trans-racial. So, embarrassing as it sounds, over the weekend I not only got to hear the very real people in my life offering words of support, there were some familiar characters offering their support, too.

From Cal and Mitchel on Modern Family...

...to Ian Malcolm in The Lost World...

...to Meredith and Derek on Grey's Anatomy...

...to Dixon on the surprisingly good 90210 reboot...

...to the hilarious parents from Easy A...

...these are only a few of the many examples that have stuck with me over the years. Of course there is one that goes even further back...

The Kents, in my favorite version of the Superman continuity, were returning home from another failed in-vitro pregnancy when they happened upon Kal-El's ship.

But those that know me know that most of my childhood was spent with Star Trek. Even today, I owe a lot of how I approach the world to the ideals represented on the show. So if you haven't yet met Worf's parents...

Over the weekend I was trying to recall a conversation between them and Guinan, the ship's bartender and unofficial counselor. I remember it being one of the first times I thought about what the word "parent" meant. I found the episode and edited together this video today, with Gregory in my arms.

So. Whatever star he looks to, I'll be right behind him, and I know Katy will too.

The Waiting Stage

We are now in what you might call themostagonizingterribl,notgoodforimpatientpeopleever, stage - The Waiting Stage.

We've be "active" for a little bit longer than a month and have had no bites since baby #1 or baby #2. What is is that they say....3rd times a charm?  Hopefully that 3rd time will come sooner rather than later.

For all we know, though, our profile could've been shown numerous times by now but we are not provided with that information.  I suppose I could ask our caseworker, but I feel that is a bad idea. Just be patient. Just be patient.

I was reading an article today that a birth mom wrote regarding how she choose the adoptive family that would adopt her child.  She says that most birth moms have certain things (likely 3 or 4) that have to be a for sure thing in regards to the adoptive couple in order for her to choose them.  This particular birth mom said that her 3 things were: catholic, lived in the came city as her, and would keep the name of the baby that she had chosen. 

 Number 1 is one that we struggled with.  We are not very religious, more...spiritual, if you will, and were concerned that that would play against us.  Our caseworker, Heidi, says that it is usually not an issue unless you get a birth mom with strict religious beliefs.  I would assume (and I may be wrong) that if you are someone who, let's say, is a teen mom and got pregnant...than...maybe your religious beliefs aren't so strong?? Because you are supposed to wait for marriage.  I totally understand a birth mom wanting her baby to brought into a "good catholic household" if that is how she was raised, but I can't help but feel that is a little bit unfair. 

Take this scenario (which actually happened to me!):  I know someone who is a very religious person and is constantly telling me that she is going to "change" me someday (she knows what my beliefs are). I provided her with a copy of our profile so that she could take it to the church that she belongs to.  She took it but her response to me was, "Ok..but I just want to let you know that the first question the people at my church are going to ask me is..."what church do they belong to?"..." I wasn't sure how to respond.

I was upset, actually. And offended.  Does that mean that the people at her church (and her) believe that unless you are a religious person, you cannot be a good parent??!?!?!??!?! WHAT!?!?!?!?

I'm still speechless. So my response was, "Well..you can tell them that I was raised Methodist but at this point in time my husband and I are most of a spiritual couple."

Seriously though. I don't need saving. At all. Thanks but no thanks. I respect people who have those sorts of beliefs, and in some ways, do wish that I had that to fall back on and uplift me at time. But...I just can't make myself believe fully.

Anyway....I just hope that we aren't passed by from potential birth moms because we don't practice any sort of religion at this point in time. Who knows...maybe in the future that will change though.

In other news: Adam has been tirelessly working on Baby C's room.  Since our Adoption Shower is in about a month (August 31!!! Don't forget to RSVP to Crystal if you are invited!), I wanted to make sure that the room is ready by then. That way we can set the room up if we get gifts.  It. Looks. Awesome.  He's about half done and has done a fantastic job painting. Only a select few people have seen the room but we are keeping it a secret mostly. :-) 

No worries though! I have been taking pictures along the way to show what it looked like to beginning to end.

Don't forget to share share share. Feel free to share this blog and our profile (posted below) on your Facebook and tell your friends to share as well. We appreciate each and every one of you who have been on this emotional roller coaster with us.

http://adoptionassociates.net/profile-family/363

Our Adoption Profile

Here is our Adoption Profile, thought it would be helpful to have it here as well:

Dear Birth Mother,

We can only imagine what it feels like to browse through the profiles you’ve been given as you try to choose the family responsible for your baby’s future. And there will likely be others who read these same words, but we don’t believe that makes them any less personal. We believe they’re meant for someone specific to find, and maybe that person is you.
It’s been a lifelong plan for both us to someday open our home through adoption. Struggles with infertility have let us pursue those plans a bit sooner than we anticipated, so we are now looking for the person whose path we were meant to cross. This profile will give you an honest glimpse into our lives and the kind of life we’d give your baby. Thank you for taking the time to read it.


About Katy:

Katy has a passion for life with the soul of a nurturer. She has an adventurer’s spirit and a love for traveling. Her ability to truly know someone is unparalleled. She’s the kind of person who will know within five minutes of meeting someone what kind of gift she’d like to give them on their next birthday. She attended college in Michigan after high school and ultimately earned a degree in 2010. Katy works for a non-profit organization that helps kids and their families successfully get ready for school. In her role as a Family Service Worker, she recognizes the importance that parents and caregivers have in their children’s lives and does what she can to help and encourage their long term success.

About Adam:

Adam is happiest when he’s doing something creative like writing or drawing. He earned a degree in Broadcasting in 2005, and is almost ready to complete the requirements for a graduate degree in Professional Writing, something he’s always wanted to do. He has an amazing wit and a dry sense of humor that he often uses just to make people laugh or make someone else’s day better. He currently works as a technical communicator where he’s able to combine his love for writing and learning with an amazing understanding of people and technology in a way that fosters new understanding and enriches people’s academic potential.

About Us:

We met in high school but didn’t become a couple until the summer after Adam graduated in 2001. Katy was two years behind, and so when Adam went away for college that fall a long distance relationship began. We made an effort to see each other at least once a month and made it a point to speak on the phone or online every day. We’ve remained committed ever since and a source of pride in our lives comes from this success. In 2009 we were married in front of 180 of our closest family members and friends and, shortly after returning from a honeymoon in Hawaii, we purchased our first home which is where we remain today.
The guiding principles of our relationship to each other and the world around us are centered on honesty, civility, tolerance and respect, and we see the ultimate meaning of life in expressions of love, creativity, and knowledge.

Our Family:

Both of us com:e from large and loving families who are extremely supportive of our choice to bring a child into our home. We value spending time with our families and celebrate with them whenever possible, including holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. We are also very fortunate to have most of our family within a 20 minute drive of our house. We are lucky enough to come from a family of teachers, professionals, lawyers and even a few doctors. Because of this variety in career paths, we know your child will have no shortage of role models.
While we do enjoy traveling as a couple, we’re also happy to be able to travel with our family and friends. We’ve been all over the US, to places like California, Illinois, New York, Connecticut, Nevada, Florida, and we’ve even been lucky enough to visit Hawaii twice, which is definitely our favorite vacation spot!

Our Home:

We live in a newer ranch style house with a lot of room indoors, and a lot of outdoor charm. It has an open floor plan which makes it easy to socialize or keep an eye on little ones. Our home is part of a diverse neighborhood, with parks, sidewalks, schools, libraries and playgrounds all located within a mile, some of which are connected by bike paths. You can often find us outside on a walk with our two miniature Schnauzers (Sophia, 8 and Bane, 1) working in the yard (where we also have 3 small chickens; Blanche, Dorothy and Rose), or snuggling up on the couch with a good book, good movie, or our favorite TV shows. We enjoy finding new recipes to cook and finding new games to play. A fun, relaxing evening with us would be spent socializing with friends and family over a board game like Settlers of Catan.

Our Promise:

We can’t promise a fairy tale ending. The simple truth is that there are no shortcuts around bad days and rough patches. So while your baby will certainly experience life’s joys and wonders with us, so too will your baby experience life’s ups and downs. The only thing we can truly promise is that your baby will never face those things alone. We will be there, always.
We promise to raise your baby secure in the knowledge that he or she will always have a set of loving birthparents. We’ll work with him or her and encourage a healthy connection to his or her heritage. We promise to be committed guardians of the life you are entrusting us with. We promise to never stop learning, growing, adapting and loving our child totally and unconditionally.

Here's the link to the online version as well, which includes pictures:
http://www.adoptionassociates.net/profile-family/363

Let the Waiting Begin...

It's been recommended by many people to create a blog to document our adoption journey, not only for ourselves but for other people to share just in case they come into contact with a potential birth mom somehow.  I had my doubts just because I have a really hard time keeping up with blogs.  I’ve tried in the past and always forget about them, hopefully this time I’ll do better.  Here we goo….

 

It’s been 2 weeks since our information and profile has gone public. And boy what an emotional 2 weeks it has been.  We received our profiles on a Saturday and were so excited. They turned out perfectly.  Adam did the entire thing and did a fantastic job.  On the Thursday before we actually received an email from our caseworker regarding a baby that was born on June 16^th.  Our caseworker wanted to know if we were interested because the baby tested positive for drug exposure and the birth mom admitted to using cocaine, meth and heroin.  Hesitantly, we said yes.

 

We were told that because we received our profiles on Saturday, the office in which the birth mom was located should also get them on Saturday.  Unfortunately, the office did not get them in time so they could not show our profile to the mom. They got them on Tuesday and the mom looked at the profiles on Monday.

Baby #1 – no-go.  Which means that it just wasn’t meant to be.

 

We were given the timeline of 6-12 months of getting “linked” to a birth mom.  Our time was significantly reduced because we are open to a baby of any race and a baby who may have had alcohol/drug exposure. Apparently, most couples choose a perfect, white baby.  I was shocked by that.

 

The reality that this could happen a lot sooner than expected started to sink in shortly after baby #1 fell through.  A few friends and family approached Adam and I about throwing us a Preparing for Parenting Shower in August.  This is something that adoptive couples usually have while they are in the “waiting” stage of adopting.  We have nothing at this point so if, by some miracle, we had a baby in the new few months, we have nothing.  We are looking forward to it and can’t wait to celebrate with our family and friends.

We hadn’t heard anything…until yesterday.  I got a call, again, from our caseworker regarding a baby boy.  She was unsure of his due date but the mom got pregnant in the fall of 2013 so he would be arriving soon.  This case was “sticky” though, as she said.  I guess the baby was linked with an adoptive couple for the past 6-7 months but yesterday morning the couple decided to back-out.  I guess the mom went in for an ultrasound and the doctor noticed that  his legs were a little bit shorter than they should’ve been.  So they did a blood test to rule out some health conditions but in the process found traces of cocaine in his blood.  The doctors approached the mom (who, by the way, this was her 7^th baby. All 6 other babies are not with her…pretty messed up) to ask her about drug use.  Initially she told them that as soon as she found out that she was pregnant, she stopped using drugs and drinking.  Now she says that she does cocaine once a week and drinks a little beer each week.  Unfortunately, when a birth mom says this…she isn’t telling the whole truth.  It’s probably way more than that.

Also…this is a very needy birth mom.  The couple that she was linked to was giving her $1000 per month to help her pay her bills.  This money goes through the agency and then to the birth mom (no money given directly from the couple to mom) and I guess they weren’t paying all of their dues so, at this point, they still owed the agency $15,000. Because of all of this…the couple dropped out of the adoption.

Now, because of all the policies, whoever decides to pick up where that family left off gets that $15,000 burden ASIDE from the money they will owe as well.  Because of this…Adam and I had to turn it down.  It’s just not a situation we wanted to be involved in. At all. 

I got an email from the caseworker this morning…the baby was born last night. He seems healthy but is 6 weeks early and now, since he is here, they know that in total the new adoptive couple will owe around $40,000.  There’s just no way. It’s insane.  Generally, most adoptions cost around $20,000. To double that…is just crazy. That poor baby.

Baby #2 – no-go.  Which means that it just wasn’t meant to be.

 

So now we wait some more.  Because we have no preference in regards to race, our caseworker says that we will have a lot of prospects.  I’m remaining hopeful that our baby will find us soon. J

It’s just the waiting that is the hardest. Every time my phone rings I’m hoping that it is our caseworker telling me someone chose us to parent their baby. I’m also very inpatient, so that doesn’t help either.

 

We ask for everyone’s help in passing along our information and thank you all for doing so.

 

*love & hugs*

 - Katy